Most of you will know the events of the past few weeks that led to my unexpected running and blogging hiatus. And since I have lately bent the "don't talk about non-running things" on this blog, I am going to bend them a little more. There are days when I feel like I write eloquently on my blog. This is not one of those days. This is just me, my computer, and words from the turmoil inside...
On March 1st of this year, after 33 years of being trapped in a wheelchair, my beloved brother David was lifted up to heaven to fly among the angels. It was very sudden and unexpected, but we were all blessed that we could be with him in the end. It has been devastating for my whole family and all those who knew and loved him.
For the past couple of weeks I didn't run. I didn't even walk. I surrounded myself with happy memories of my brother and tried to release all the bitterness and regret through tears.
No words can express the joy that you brought to our lives
Flashback family photo - David with his trademark chuckle
Tuesday marked the first day that I returned to the tri club. It was hard. I think every "first" activity is going to be hard. But my tri group has been so supportive and I know it is good for me to get back on my feet.
As you all know by now, some days when I run, my thoughts are filled with mathematical figures..."if I run x split in y distance my speed is z". Or, "I have y distance to run and my speed is z so in w minutes my run will be finito!"
Sometimes my thoughts are filled with sarcastic or witty quips that I can put onto my blog. Not that I remember any of them after my run is over. If I did, you would all be rolling on the floor laughing with every genius word, I promise.
Sometimes I drift off into the space of who-knows-what and let random thoughts trickle past.
But sometimes I have deep reflections on life. Tuesday was one of
those nights.
As I ran laps around the giant hamster wheel, I thought about all the "nevers" in David's life. There were a lot! David never stopped giving love, never made high demands of others, never focused on the bad in a situation when he could be laughing and finding the joy, and never stopped showing all of us how to be better people. There are a lot of other things I could add to the list, but you get the idea.
And then there were all the other "nevers" that saddened me... I would never get another picture with him, never get to sing him another song (and David was my absolute #1 [and possibly
only]
fan when it came to my singing!), and...well I would never get to do a lot of things with him.
After 20min spent trying to get the "perfect family shot" this is the result. David looks like a rap star, but the rest of us...well, you get it.
Keeping it cool amidst the craziness of his little sisters. Oh, the pain older brothers must put up with!
On Tuesday I ended up really enjoying the run...and even the swim. Pushing hard was a good reminder that I'm still alive...still here. There is so much more joy and laughter in the world to discover. I'm not as good at David at finding it, but I will do my best.
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my [sister]. You will want to laugh with me. And you will be laughing as you look up at the sky!"
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
Thank you, David, for giving me a world and sky filled with joy, love...and laughter.
